Cliché Mountain
by Witty Eagle Proud Ravenclaw
Summary: Clichés fall thick and fast in this parody. Dramione, soul-bonding, Harry's Slytherin!twin sister, Pure-blood!Veela!Hermione, Mary-Sue-ish fan-girls, Ministry marriage contracts, heirs of Gryffindor, hints of Super-Powerful!Harry, dimension-travel... it's all here! And more hells, probably. Enjoy! Pairing-wise, Draco/Hermione, and Blaise/Ginny with a soul-bond.


**Cliché Mountain**

**Author Note:**** Am I Joanne Kathleen Rowling? Nope. It's not mine, then. Along with a long line (I'm sure) of other fanfic writers, I for one I am utterly sick of the repeated clichés. So to take the complete mick, I decided to cram Merlin-knows-how-many I could think of - well, regarding the ones that tick me off the most - into one story. 7th-year AU - Voldermort has already been defeated, Dumbledore's alive. Let the utter clichéd-ness begin, one hell after another! And oh yes, there's a reference to My Immortal in here as well! *facepalm at my own tongue-in-cheek-ness***

"Ferret!" Hermione screamed during an arguement with Draco Malfoy.

"Mudblood!" he retorted, yelling.

"Pompous!" she thundered.

"Know-it-all!" Malfoy bellowed at an ear-splitting volume.

"Mr. Malfoy! Miss Granger!" McGonagall commanded. Both students turned around.

"But Professor-" they started.

"Silence! And Hermione, forgive me for the error." the Headmistress said.

"What error?" the bushy-haired bookworm questioned.

"You are not Hermione Granger. Background studying has proved you are Hermione Zabini." McGonagall proclaimed. And then from the direction of the Slytherin dorm, Blaise Zabini, a metaphorical speck on the Hogwarts radar, came striding.

"Hey sis." Blaise smirked, throwing his arm around Hermione, who looked repulsed.

"But I'm Muggle-born!" she shrieked. "I-I-I can't be a Zabini. I'm sure that-"

"That's not the way it works, Mione." Blaise smiled, despite the fact Hermione shrugged him off. "You were_ adopted _by Muggles, but you're pure-blood."

"I happen to agree to that statement, Hermione." Connie Potter, Harry's twin sister said, her silver-and-green robes flourishing.

Connie was Slytherin and proud, yet had a good relationship with her brother and his friends. "You're definitely a Zabini. And being pure-blooded isn't your only hidden secret." she smiled sneakily.

"Miss Potter is right." McGonagall cut in. "Hermione, you're also a Veela."

"WHAT?! Me, a Veela? This day's getting weirder and weirder." Hermione mused. This also had a profound effect on Draco. He was now looking at Hermione like she had grown a second head. "But-but-but..."

"Hermione dear, let me put our history behind us. I think you are actually incredibly beautiful." Draco grinned. Hermione turned a sickly green and fled to Gryffindor Tower. "Hermione dear!" the Slytherin prince moaned. "Connie..."

"I'll try to settle her down later, Draco." Connie smiled sweetly. "But now I also have pressing matters to attend to." she pouted grimly. "To the Connie-cave!" she called, running away to the third-floor. McGonagall cleared her throat importantly.

"I suppose I better save the important announcement I wanted to tell you and Miss Zabini for later, Mr. Malfoy." she said briskly, walking away.

"The reputation of being appealing to Hogwarts girls, and I can't get the one I want!"

"Cheer up, Draco." Blaise comforted. "And if you get her, I swear I won't go all 'she's my sister' on you." he continued. Draco merely grunted, flicking his gelled hair back. In Gryffindor Tower, things were also going badly. Very badly for one Harry Potter.

"Harry?" Hermione called, knocking on the boys' dorm door.

"It always happens to me. Why? WHY?!" Harry's sobs sounded from the other side.

"Harry it's me, Hermione." she called again, now slightly worried about him.

"C-come in." he mumbled. She came through. Where was he?

"Harry?" Hermione pondered, very worried.

"Down here, where it's safe." his voice cracked. He was under his bed.

"Is it because of, well... _them?_" the bookworm queried, bending down. Harry nodded fearfully - he couldn't face another attack like that. _Anything but that_.

"Harry dear?" a voice squealed. Nikki Gray, a strawberry-blonde sixth-year with baby-blue eyes bounded happily into the room, clearly on one of her many sugar-highs. "Hello Nikki." Hermione said frostily, tactfully blocking Harry from Nikki's view.

"Hiya Hermione." Nikki chimed bubbily. "So, where's Harrykins?" Hermione felt Harry grip the hem of her jeans in fear. She knew he was shuddering under there.

"I don't know. Maybe he went for a fly." the smart girl shrugged convincingly.

"Yeah, maybe. I'll go look for him!" Nikki chirruped, jogging out of the dorm.

"One of many... though she's one of the worst." Harry mumbled, crawling back out.

"I'm having a bad day too." Hermione sighed.

"Why?" Harry asked.

"Oh, turns out that I'm pure-blood - Blaise Zabini's sister in fact - and Malfoy thinks I'm beautiful." she shuddered, her skin crawling and face turning mildly green again.

"We're all doomed." Harry hollered shrilly. Hermione looked at him weirdly. "Oh, like I'm not allowed to go insane, Hermione? I'm just lucky that-"

"HARRY!" another peppy voice squeaked. "Oh hell. Charlotte Crow." Harry groaned.

"So _this_ is where you've been hiding!" Charlotte Crow, a bleached-blonde fourth-year Hufflepuff, simpered. Hermione groaned. "And what's_ she _doing here?"

"Hermione is my_ friend_, Charlotte." Harry said in monotone. "I thought I told you to leave me alone after snipping off my hair in my sleep." Hermione's jaw dropped.

"But Harry, can't you see that my flame burns for you?" Charlotte smiled maniacally. _This has to end. NOW._ Hermione thought as she cast a non-verbal Incendio on the bleached blonde head.

"Argh! Ew! Get it off!" Charlotte screamed, running around in circles and promptly cartwheeling out of the dorm, still on fire. Harry managed a weak chuckle.

"Hang on, do I smell... oh no! It is!" Hermione cried. Love potion was in the air. "Love potion. Charlotte must have dropped it without realising. The fangirls don't give up, do they?" Harry shook his head, his eyes donning a fretful, deer-caught-in-headlights expression - pun not intended. Another knock on the door. Harry tensed.

"Mr. Potter?" a rough voice asked. Harry answered it in a moment of bravery.

"Yes?" he pondered, looking down at the Gringotts goblin.

"I have urgent matters to discuss. Is your sister avaliable?" the goblin near-grunted.

"Just a second..." Harry trailed, finding Sirius' mirror - Hermione had made a copy of it to give to Connie. "Connie!" he called into his mirror.

"Hi Harry." Connie replied. "What's up? I'm in my cave!"

"Swell. Anyway come out of there and come to my dorm. Gringotts calls upon us."

"Hmph." Connie groaned, and disappeared. A few minutes later, she appeared in the dorm. "Well?" she grumbled. The goblin turned to her, ready to give the news.

"Miss Potter, you and your brother are the sole heirs of Godric Gryffindor. Congratulations Lord and Lady Potter." he recited. Harry blinked.

"OK, this is the weirdest thing that's ever happened to me. Am I mad, in a coma, or back in time? Whatever's happened, it's like I've landed on a different planet." Harry proclaimed. Then a huge boom, with a scream from Ginny admist it, signified trouble.

"I better go check on that." Hermione sighed. Of course, McGonagall was there also.

"What's going on?" they asked in unison - havoc reigned in the sixth-year girls' dorm.

"Get away!" Ginny bellowed. Blaise Zabini was smiling at her lovingly.

"But Ginny, I love you." he beamed, waving his wand. "See this?" he asked, looking down a blue circle that had enclosed them both. "It's our soul-bond. We're meant to be together. You can't deny it." he grinned, Malfoy egging him on at the open window on a broom. McGonagall shook her head, mumbling something.

"Mr. Malfoy, come off of that broom, and please follow myself and Miss Zabini. You two are Head Boy and Head Girl this year." she summarised. Malfoy wobbled, then leapt through the window with super-human ilk and swept Hermione into his arms.

"Thank you Professor!" he beamed. Hermione and Ginny's jaws dropped.

"Get - off - me - you - irksome - beast!" Hermione yelled in a strangled tone.

"Now now Hermione, that's no way to treat your fellow Head. Try to co-operate." McGonagall chided in a frustated tone as Hermione pushed Malfoy with a forceful shove. "And as for you Miss Weasley, Mr. Zabini is your soul mate - if I remember correctly, Professor Dumbledore looked into it, and the Wizengamot have a marriage contract drafted between you two. There's no way off getting out of it."

"It's a god-awful small affair..." Hermione mused, trying to strike irony that would somehow (she hoped) get into Malfoy and Blaise's heads.

"It's rock-solid, and before you ask, Dumbledore did not bribe the Wizengamot." McGonagall said, reading Hermione with Legilimency. Hermione stormed out, Ginny following. The girls' tempers were at breaking point, and could take much more.

"Hey guys." Connie said once she spotted them on the third floor.

"Need I ask where you came from?" Hermione asked. Connie shook her head.

"Cunningly, the Connie-cave. Duh!" she smirked. Ginny looked befuddled.

"That passage behind the one-eyed witch." Hermione mumbled to her.

"Explains a lot." Ginny replied.

There was a sudden ripple in the air, and a random portal with glimmering green edges appeared in the middle of the corridor. By utter shock, Harry appeared.

"I decided to escape the madness, and a jump into another dimension honestly seemed like the best idea." he smiled. Connie grinned.

"Very sly. Only wish I'd thought of it."

"Well dear sister, you don't have annoying fan-girls to escape from." Harry beamed.

"Rumours are going round about a few Slytherin fan-boys on my conscience." Connie laughed. Harry made a face. This made Ginny giggle.

"Draco isn't one of them, thankfully." Connie said, sparing Hermione a glance. "Sorry Hermione, I promised him I'd be a wingman - he's my friend."

"Oh Connie!" Hermione face-palmed. "It's not like he's a complete god!" And as if the word 'god' sparked a trigger, Harry suddenly developed super-human powers and flicked his ebony hair. Nikki Gray, Charlotte Crow, Malfoy and Zabini instantly turned up then too, the former two reacting to their 'god', the latter two thinking the word 'god' was their calling card. Harry, Hermione, Ginny and Connie faded into the other dimension with a leap.

**AN: There you go, some of the most absurd clichés tied together in a story, and a somewhat fluid plot managed to emerge! There was even some subtle nods to numerous other re-used elements - McGonagall's defense of her colleague in the next-to-last paragraph, for example, was a thinly-veiled spin on Manipulative!Dumbledore, one of the things people either pander to or gripe about the most. But I decided to go with a neutral take on the Weasleys - in fact, Ginny's the only one I considered writing into this piece (not that I don't like them).**


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